Frustration

Sometimes I really wonder why I'm still with Tom. He is so crude and mean sometimes. I talk to him and am honest, and the next day it turns into a big text fight as he over obsesses on what he heard me say. I feel trapped and frustrated and we are in way too deep debt to separate. Plus, the kids adore him. Even with the kids I am constantly wondering what long term damage is being done. He screamed the f word at Abram the other day. He whips them around by their heads, he makes no move to protect them. He has no common sense and fights me on every decision. He sits in front of the computer 90% of the time he's  home but calls me lazy, he's constantly insecure, my family hates him, I'm pretty sure he's cheated on me. So why am I with him?

1. I can't do this alone
2. I can't afford to leave or kick him out, we will lose the house
3. I don't think the kids would be safe on visitation to him
4. I really can't do any better and I'm emotionally exhausted to even try.
5. For now, it's better than being alone.

I'm pathetic.

Back to the grindstone

Today is our first day back from vacation in VA. I ate like crap the whole time, but walked at LEAST 10,000 steps every day. Now I have to get back on track for the month.

Weigh In

I went for a weigh in and I have gained again. Even with a stomach flu and a monster dehydrating period and light shoes. I have to stop. I need to cut calories and sugar desperately.

I hate my belly. I want it gone. Ice cream makes me sick now. I need to find alternatives.

Back tracking

This is really hard. It has been super snowy with sub zero Temps, all we can do is sit inside. I have been working weekends so I can't go to the gym after work. The cold makes me want to cook / bake a lot. I need to get it together. My appointment with the nutritionist is in 2 weeks and I have been doing TERRIBLE. I'm bored and tired and depressed. Right this second I want a super sugared up cup of coffee and a giant piece of chocolate cake.

Wake up Call

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/6492354?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

This article shook me up. It reminded me so much of a friend that I used to have, and I identified with it a lot. It terrifies me that he had gastric bypass, but still couldn't keep it off. I don't want that to be me.

Mind Games

So today I've been thinking about the mind games that I play with myself. It starts first thing in the morning. I don't want to eat anything, because that sets the tone for the whole day. It's a struggle right from when I get up. If I'm exhausted, all I want is coffee. If I drink coffee, I feel like my whole day is shot because of all the sugar and cream I put in it.

I make the kids breakfast and I debate whether I'm going to eat the same. I think about my low carb stuff, but do you know why I don't drink it? BECAUSE I AM AFRAID OF BEING HUNGRY LATER IN THE DAY! So I don't eat, and am hungry anyways. I have been thinking this on a daily basis. I'm defeated before I put anything in my mouth.

No Regrets

I wish I'd kept the weight off when I started my new job.

I wish I'd dropped more before my surgery.

I wish I'd kept losing weight after giving birth.

I wish I'd never eaten my emotions.

I wish I didn't binge.

I wish.... I wish... I wish....

Something needs to change.

For starters

I need to buckle down soon and start making an effort. My next appointment with the nutritionist is the beginning of March and I've done nothing she's told me to. I also have a 5k to "run" in May.  I'm due for my monthly weigh in and I dread it. I had gained last month and I doubt this month will be better.

Things I HAVE done:

I scheduled out gym time and am going to join on Monday. Scheduling it in is the big step.

I bought, and started taking B vitamins to help with my energy crisis.

I started this journal to start tracking binge promoters.  I already  noticed that I struggle with eating breakfast, and then want to binge when I get home from work. I also have a harder time when I'm short on money - these next couple weeks will be extra hard.

I got a full 2 week's supply of Atkins foods.